I want to thank of my email friends for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
- I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
- I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
- I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
- I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
- Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
- I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
- I MUST SEND SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes, because now I have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
- ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
- I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
- I no longer worry about my soul because I have 262,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
- I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
- I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
- I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo.
- THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
- BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
- I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
- I no longer drink Pepsi or FAnta since the people who make those products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
- I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
- AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW that I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face disfiguring me for life.
- I no longer go to movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
- I no longer accept packages from UPS or FED EX because they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
- And I no longer answer the pone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
- I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
- THANKS TO YOU I can't use any one's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my but.
- AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
- I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all others supports South American dictators.
- I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
- If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 PM tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law' second husband's cousin's best friend' s beautician...A
OH, BY THE WAY...
A German scientist from Argentia after a lengthy study has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.
P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told in an email that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
PPS. I can no longer forward emails I must cut and past...lest they get our email addresses and give us a virus that will destroy our hard drives.